About the strange guy on the bench. Or about me?

Photo 1: The Square where it all happened.

Have you ever met a strange person that somehow brought a light to your life? I met this guy four months ago and I actually never understood what happened to me that day, but it changed a chip inside my head.

No, I didn’t fall in love. I mean, miracles can always happen, can’t they? But I still haven’t been this (un)lucky. Yet.

It was in June, the first of June. I just left Finland, the country where I spent 5 outstanding months and the country which will always be in my heart characterized by a disgusting beer Olut for 99 cents from Lidl which saved our souls, by northern lights which you can barely see with your own eye and you need a good camera and a pair of unfrozen hands and by many other beautiful internal memories.

Even though I loved living there, the last three weeks in Tampere were massive. We did some trips, everyday there was some farewell party, every single day we had to do something for the last time to remember it for the rest of our days, the last beers by the lake, we had to go for the last whatever there and there, because our time was running out. Not to mention that I was having every two days some job interview for which I had to prepare projects and of course, I had to look somewhat presentable. Lack of sleep, neverending goodbye parties, many things to do, many memories, nostalgia, not wanting to say goodbye to people who became my family and not wanting to leave the place where I felt safe - well, iIt hit me very very hard.

Frankly, the last few days, however hard it was, I wanted to leave quickly although I didn’t. It doesn’t make any sense, right? I was just so done with goodbyes, with last-must-do - it was literally tearing my heart apart. I always hated farewells, I was never good at it because you know how you always promise that you will stay in touch and meet again? A part of me always starts questioning the people: will we? Will we indeed?

I found a cheap way to get home, passing through Estonia, so I decided that before meeting my family after half a year, I needed at least 3 days to get my shit together. I had a chance to go hiking with some friends before leaving Finland for good, but sincerely, at some point I had to say “enough”. Postponing it over and over was totally like stretching a gum in an old underpant. No, I needed a mental break. I wanted my me-time before facing the reality that I still didn’t have a job and I was coming home without any concrete answer on my future steps in life.

I came to Tallinn by ferry, literally knowing only some facts about Estonia.Well, the rest, I can find it out there, right?.

I took my heavy luggages and headed directly to the hotel. At the very same moment as I closed the door in my fancy suite, provided by Expedia and my sister (no advertisement at all… btw, book via Expedia, Booking sucks), they called me to have another job interview. An anxiety of always preparing portfolios and projects for interviews which eventually never work out instantly started. So I ended the call arranging the interview for the following week and ran away to just wander the streets of a stunning old town..

After walking almost 25 000 steps and having myself tested for Covid, I came to a small square underneath the town hall. The day was sunny, quite warm for Estonia, almost 18 degrees, which is something like 50 in Sevilla. I got the cup of one pretty disgusting Paulig (a brand of coffee from the Nordic countries) and sat down and sunbathed. With headphones in my ears, sunglasses on my face, I was enjoying each and every moment sitting on the bench on my own, when all of the sudden a man sat next to me. I minded my own business, I didn’t feel disturbed by his presence whatsoever. I was still looking elsewhere when I overheard that he was saying something. I wasn’t sure if those words were addressed to me or if he was calling, so I took away one of the headphones:

“That looks like a professional camera. It’s quite big,” he spoke up.

“Well, that’s pretty possible since I am a professional photographer… At least I pretend to be,” I replied a bit rude, turning my head again toward the town hall.

“You look like a tourist,” he continued.

“I am a tourist.” I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me.

You know, I experienced harassment a lot. In Spain guys were shouting at me like they would like to fuck me, in the job interview my wannabe-boss touched me on my tights, I was even cyber-harassed. I would say I am already reinforced and prepared for anything, nonetheless, I must say there was something about this guy that was telling me “he just wants to talk”. I stopped the music and I gave him the chance to “amuse” me for 2 minutes.

“Sorry, I noticed you before and I had to stop by. You were walking very determined, minding your own business, hugging your paper cup of coffee. You look lost in your thoughts. I can see a little bit of stress from you. Not because I started talking to you. You are worried about something. Or maybe even sad.” He absolutely nailed it at the moment. Stress, sadness, but determination at the same time. He wasn’t sneaky at all. He just wanted to talk. Talk about me? So who are you? Where do you come from? Why the fuck are you in the middle of the pandemic in Tallinn? He had many questions and I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to share my answers with him. I think he got it from my tone, the fact that I didn’t trust him. But damn, why then was there that feeling inside me “talk to him”?

We switched topics. About Estonia in general. He told me he was a French journalist who moved to Estonia because he fell in love with the country, however Estonians are rather strange people. A bit kinder than Russians. He worked from Tallinn for his own French magazine and he also collaborated with the movie productions. He showed me his work. I listened to him very carefully, when I realized that he had a similar way of thinking than me and his life path also resembled mine. It was harder and harder to maintain the distance from him, I mean the mental distance. I became very curious about his life and his ideas. Without knowing me and without my full answers, he applied his life on mine.

“You are a rebel. Maybe it doesn’t seem like that to some people, they might see a lovely girl who is kind to people and that’s why they might tend to control you, however, you are ambitious and you do everything your way. You have a strong personality. You always want to fight for a good cause. You are into politics, surely involved with many organizations or communities, you fight for nature and you have many things to say. You are a feminist. You love to meet and talk to people. You have many beliefs and you are a storyteller. But you have to pick some topics to fight for and a few ways to express yourself. You remind me of myself so much. At the age of 25 I was the same as you are. Reckless, spontaneous but at the same time smart and responsible with many plans. I wanted to be a part of everything and I wanted to be everywhere. It was exhausting. I’ll tell you a thing. Am I right about you? There is a rebel vibe in the air. Trust me or not, I might be a crazy guy who just talks to girls in the streets or I might be a person who can help you. Barbora, you don’t need to do the interviews, you need to make a kick-start of your own style. Cliché? Might be, but you’ve got the guts, girl.”

Who the fuck is this man? Why the fuck is he telling me who I am or who I am not without knowing me? Until now I have to laugh because at that moment I had this terrible need to punch him in his face for being so brave to tell me all those things but on the other hand I wanted to hug him as I finally felt understood without having to explain myself for hours.

Because the truth is that many times I was screaming out my needs to the whole world and nobody was listening. And God knows why that stranger listened to me when I was silent and with no energy left to scream.

After half an hour we decided to split. “Go to Linnahall. Tenet was shot there, you cinephile will appreciate it.”

I bought a beer in the supermarket and went directly to Linnahall to see the sunset. To digest our meeting.

Photo 2: When I came to Linnahall.

Photo 3: Holy Trinity: Barbora, the beer and the Holy Sunset at Linnahall.

In the night I returned to my hotel room with a terrible need to write about this meeting to somebody. Just anybody. I wrote it to the first person who texted me at that moment on whatsapp and guess what? “He wanted to fuck you, Barbora, don’t be stupid.”

On the next day we met again. This time we were just like some old friends, talking about life, politics in the world, about Belarus. I don’t know how much older he was, it doesn’t matter, we just got along pretty well. Nonetheless, man, if you read this, I must tell you, I will never understand your fascination for Belarus.

When we were saying goodbye, it was quick, as I like it. I don’t know if I am going to meet him again, but I am glad that I met him at least once in my life.

I thanked him back then for dinner and for his time. Now I thank him for his words.

“Speak to strangers, you never know who you are going to meet and what they can teach you.” And I did. On the trains, at work… Since then I met some great people who are helping me grow and shine. I put on the scales my priorities and got rid of some things which didn’t bring me anything to my life anymore. I stopped checking my mobile phone the second it rings. I learnt how to be bored on my own sometimes and enjoy that wasted moment. I never wanted to say no to any plans with my friends as I was worried that I would miss something if I didn't go out. Now there is no remorse. I started listening more to that inner old lady with glasses on the top of her nose which is saying me to calm the fuck down and sit down for a while.

And if you made it until here, I know I sound every day more and more like that idiot Coelho that I always mention and make fun of him, so that’s why I hereby promise you that in case that I will write a motivational book with stupid clichés all over the text, I will make it more witty, amusing and sarcastic as I do always.